How do you solve a problem like discernment?

Speaking and writing for Vocation Brisbane last year was probably one of the scariest things I've ever done. As a single woman, I wasn't presenting a 'finished product' of a story which ended with wedding bells, ordination or perpetual vows. Mine was the messy, saint-in-progress, attempting-to-trust-God-and-live-His-will-every-day story. 

Frequently, I wrote articles out of the fruits of my own daily prayer, trying to distill the essence of what God was speaking into my chaotic heart. When I spoke to high school girls, the content often changed drastically between presentations because I was learning so much and wanting to share that raw, authentic growth. And when I attempted to journey with friends and teenagers along their path towards vocation, I always realised how little I knew about what my own path looked like. 

Discernment is messy. 

Oh, sweet Lord in heaven, it's messy.

No fewer than four times in the last two years, I've said to my closest friends (with shiny eyes and Saint-Therese-like smiles), "This is it. I'm going to go join [insert various orders here], as soon as I can get my affairs in order." 

No fewer than twelve times, I've sat on a bathroom floor or in a parked car and snivelled, through ugly tears, "But it's just not right!"

I've gone back and forth, and round in circles. I've stayed with religious orders, sat in hour upon hour of Adoration, plumbed the depths of my soul and desires with Jesus, given Him my wholehearted 'Fiat' for wherever, whenever, whomever, whatever. 

And here we are. On the surface, no closer to any vocation than I was at the end of high school. 

Still the Lord says, "Not yet." Still He says, "do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift I told you about, the gift my Father promised." (Acts 1:4) 

Still He tells me that fidelity to the present season is sowing the grace of patience within my soul. He reminds me that I should be waiting in hope not for my own organised, labelled future, but for the coming of His kingdom. 

To quote a wise past-Kate, "while we plan and strive to change the reality around us, the Lord’s first priority is transforming the reality within." Still He is effecting deeper transformation in my soul and using me exactly where I am to witness to the unchanging truths of His mercy and love.

Discernment is messy, it's true. But by being my chief companion in sifting through that mess, Jesus gives me ample opportunity to fall truly in love with Him, and to proclaim that love to all who will listen.

He is all that I have, and He gives me all that I need. My future is in His hands, and His gifts are wonderfully good. (Psalm 16:5-6) He has always been my home (Psalm 90:1).

~~~

I think this blog post establishes fairly well that I'm not really that equipped to give discernment advice - but I'm going to anyway. 

I'm not a finished product. I'm not yet a "happily-ever-after" or even a "holy-ever-after". I'm just a messy soul-in-progress, deeply in love with her God.

So if you are walking the messy road of discernment and feel like a mess yourself, do not be afraid. 

1.) Don't be afraid of circles. They're actually spirals. 

Every time I say to Jesus, "Well, we're back where we were last month/year," He laughs at me. No, you're not going around in circles. With every loop around - and arrival at marriage, religious life, consecrated single life, perpetual indecision - I have gained a deeper awareness of and love for each vocation. It's an upwards spiral. Every time I'm "back where I started", I have a higher vantage point. I can see more clearly the good in each vocation, and so actually discern between "goods", rather than cancelling out a caricature at any stage. 

Learn about each vocation thoroughly. Oscillate, if you must - not at the level of shallow indecision, but at a soul-probing level wherein you prayerfully bring each state of life before the Lord and ask Him to reveal new truths about it. The upwards spiral will eventually arrive at a summit, and the process of tenderly examining every vocation will give you respect for every different calling He entrusts to a soul.

2.) Don't be afraid of walls. The Holy Spirit is a great bulldozer.

The mess of discernment reveals my imperfections to me. I'm a mess because I am sinful, and attached to so many things that I refuse to let go of. I'm a mess because I cower behind walls behind which I refuse to let Jesus come. I'm a mess because "He's asking too much" and there's no way I could compromise that thing. I'm a mess because I allow there to be deal breakers.

I think it's a fairly universal experience in discernment to encounter obstacles within your heart. Few of us are as easy to convince as Matthew the tax collector, who simply stood up and walked when Jesus said 'Follow me'. We need persuasion, because we lack confidence in the fact that God will make us happy.

Time and time again, though, the Lord has been faithful in bulldozing the walls I put up. He always gives me the grace to overcome every obstacle that I cannot move beyond myself. He skilfully speaks to my heart in exactly the words I need to hear. He teaches me to surrender rather than demanding I learn how to on my own. 

Whatever walls are in your heart, talk to Jesus about them. Journal. Read scripture. Go seek His face in Adoration. He is a faithful God and no matter what the outcome is, He desires you to be free from the obstacles preventing your Fiat. 

3.) Don't be afraid of desire. It's there for a reason.

This is something I'm still learning a lot about, because the rational and emotional are often at war within me. I would prefer a vocation arrived at by pro-con list and logical appraisal - while at the same time knowing that the God who won my heart did so by poetry and sunrises and sweet, tender gestures.

The fact that irrepressibly strong desires for both marriage and religious life remain in my soul is not a bad thing. Whichever vocation He eventually leads me into will be enhanced by my attraction to the other. And whatever future He has in store for me is not merely functional - it is a Divine Romance, a process of winning my heart and other hearts for heaven. 

God made your heart. He formed it and knit it together and looked at it and said "It is very good." So bring it back to Him. Pray with your desires and allow them to inform your awareness of who God is. He is the fullness and the end of all that is good, so if you desire something (provided it isn't intrinsically evil), it must have its source and its satisfaction in Him.

4.) Don't be afraid of sharing. Our world needs witnesses. 

After the most recent round of telling friends "I'm off to see the wizard," and reneging a short while later, the strong, strong temptation in my heart was never to share about vocation again. I felt like a phony (Holden Caulfield would hate me), a drama queen, and deeply inadequate. 

I know that many girls who trial postulancy or men who enter the seminary feel unworthy to share about vocation if that phase of their discernment 'doesn't work out'. I know that many people are afraid to share about the discernment journey they're secretly on because they don't want to disappoint or be judged by those around them. 

But the Lord keeps asking me to share this journey that I'm on, however terrified and uncomfortable it makes me. I think His logic is that every so often heart will be touched. Someone, through hearing my incomplete story or yours, will have a chance to fall a bit more in love with God. By witnessing from the mess, we empower others to embrace their own messy road towards heaven.

5.) Don't be afraid of God. 

He is faithful. He adores you. It's gonna be okay.

AMDG